I love the ’80s. And believe it or not, the guilty-pleasure teen movies from that decade inadvertently taught me a lot about parenting.
The thrillers and horror movies, on the other hand? They inadvertently taught me a lot about pregnancy…and it’s nothing that I wanted to know or even wanted think about. In fact, they might send me to the loony bin before I pop this baby out. Here’s why.
Kids turn your whole world upside down. You have no idea, but Sarah Connor does.
I’m getting close to my due date and I’m starting to see limbs protruding from my abdomen, and I just don’t think I can explain it further here without chasing the description with vodka and Xanax.
Is our NYC apartment built on an ancient burial ground? You never know! Those evil spirits could call dibs on my kid and make contact with her when I fall asleep with the TV on while breastfeeding. Definitely crossing off Carol Anne from our list of potential names.
Furthering my terror at the creepy clown doll in Poltergeist—oh, did I forget to mention that above?—here we have a walking, talking Chucky doll who has the spirit of a serial killer trapped inside of him. Ever look at your kid’s toys in the dark at 3 a.m.? Do yourself a favor and don’t.
Twin sociopathic gynecologists who have a collection of medical “tools” that look like medieval torture devices? This is the stuff nightmares are made of. Truly.
Between Wendy’s loving husband suddenly and completely losing his mind and the horrific, raspy “redrum, redrum” warnings from her son…well, just thinking about this movie keeps me up at night. Which isn’t good, considering that I’m already up every 20 minutes to pee.
THE SEVENTH SIGN
“Would you die for him?” That is the question posed to Demi Moore over and over and over again. My answer is a definitive yes…but I’d really prefer not to die during childbirth. Just saying.
Sociopaths are born, not made. So, um, what’s the point of this whole parenting thing? (Editor’s note: While I realize that the first Halloween was a full-on ’70s flick, four of them were made in the ’80s. That franchise is the baby gift that keeps on giving.)
FRIDAY THE 13TH
Sex, drugs, drinking and serial killers. Yeah, my kids are never, ever going to sleep-away camp, and I’m instituting that rule NOW.
What, you don’t think this isn’t a horror movie? Then you apparently haven’t seen it in a while. Never mind the shoulder pads and the sensible, bright-white sneakers paired with a work suit. It’s 28 years later (!), and guess what: Moms are still struggling with the idea—and the reality—of having it all.