Why Do Moms Feel Guilty All the Damn Time?

Men don’t ask for what they need. They demand it.

If they want to go to the gym, they say, “I’m going to the gym.”

If they’re exhausted, they sleep in.

Women sheepishly ask for it, then feel bad about asking. It. Is. Ridiculous.

Now, before my husband gets crucified here, let me say this: He is a super-hands-on dad and doesn’t understand why I don’t ask him for the time that I need or just take it. He’s by no means a Neanderthal. We have a good marriage, and he’s a great dad. 

This is 100 percent me. I have trouble asking for things that are for me. I even feel bad about hiring a babysitter for three hours a week so that I can do work. Yes, three hours of work during daylight hours instead of after my kids sleeping or while one is at preschool and the other is (God-willing) napping. I’m not going out and getting massages or shopping or eating bonbons. I’m doing things that monetarily contribute to our household. And yet…I feel guilty.

Guilty because I’m not working full time and I shouldn’t ask for this.

Guilty that I’m not spending the time with my kids.

Guilty that if I’m not working or playing with my kids, I should probably be doing housework.

Guilty that I can’t get it all done by myself. 

Guilty that I’m taking any time for myself. 

And God forbid I actually take real time for myself. Non-working time. I know that I need the time to recharge—hell, I regularly tell other moms that they need it—but when I do, I come home and dive in to my parenting and household duties like I have to make up for something. It kind of negates the relaxation that I’ve just achieved.

Being a woman in 2016 is complicated.

The messages we receive about what it takes to be a good woman and a good mother are mixed at best, completely misogynistic at worst. 

The messages we receive about what it takes to be a good woman and a good mother are mixed at best, completely misogynistic at worst. 

I’m a feminist, and in grad school, I studied women’s issues as they relate to 18th-century British literature. (I know, I know, practical major.) Anyway, I’m pretty versed in the idea of society’s expectations of women, the crushing patriarchy and all that. And yet, I still feel myself caught in this messy quagmire of expected social norms. I feel like I need to be Betty Crocker and Suzy Homemaker while also being Betty Friedan. Only, you know, in yoga pants and with hair that likely hasn’t been washed in three days.

I know that I’m not alone in this. It’s what women deal with every damn day, whether they’re stay-at-home moms, work-at-home moms or full-time in-the-office working moms. 

We feel like we’re doing everything half-assed because our attention is so divided and our time is so limited. 

We are judged constantly for what we’re doing and what we’re not doing. 

We are asked judgmental questions about our reproductive and child-care decisions by people who should not be asking.

We feel like we’re losing ourselves because we have no time to devote solely to our own well-being. 

We are made to feel like our choices aren’t valid if we choose work over our children or if we choose our children over work. 

We. Can’t. Win.

We call it mom guilt, and that’s cute. It’s not. It’s woman guilt. And it’s so culturally ingrained in us, we don’t even know it’s happening until it’s crushing us and we feel like we can’t breathe—and then we’re apologizing because we can’t breathe. 

Men do not do this. Men do not deal with this. Yes, men have stress and their own brand of guilt, and I am not minimizing that. But this is something different, and it’s insidious.

So, what’s the answer?

The hell if I know. But I am going to make a conscious effort to find out. Because even if I dismiss myself like I’ve been taught to do, I’ll be damned if I even unconsciously make my daughter feel the same way. I don’t want her to follow in my footsteps and the footsteps of many moms before me. It is our job to help break the cycle and give our girls something better.

Tell Us: How do you keep the mom guilt at bay?