Oh, my God. I am so over being pregnant.
Even though I’m so incredibly grateful for being pregnant and for a healthy pregnancy. As someone who’s overly superstitious and who’s also been through the wringer with pregnancies, I always feel like I have to qualify statements like the above. But really…I am so over it.
And I’m not even talking about the annoying comments from complete strangers about how big my belly is and how there’s no way I’ll make it to my due date. Hey, thanks for the unsolicited opinions, people!
No, I’m talking purely about the physical issues here. I know there are women out there who literally run marathons when they’re 9 months pregnant, but I am not one of those women. Seriously, for the past month and a half, I’ve barely been able to walk down the street without feeling like the baby is about to stick a hand out and wave to passersby. I know that every woman is different and that every pregnancy is different, but man, these last few weeks have been rough.
Here are 13 things that I will definitely not miss once my little lady makes her big debut.
13. Attempting to tie my sneakers or buckle cute, strappy sandals, especially ones with a side buckle. Haha, yeah, no. We’re talking Mission: Impossible at this point, between the bending over and the extreme foot swelling. Thank God for flip-flops.
12. And while we’re discussing bending with a belly, shaving my legs is a joke at this point…but still necessary because it’s summer and because I don’t want to look like a yeti in the delivery room.
11. Peeing in the middle of the night—every hour on the hour, if I’m lucky. Every 20 minutes if I’m not.
10. Carpal tunnel. It is excruciating, to the point where it wakes me up when the peeing doesn’t.
9. I’m so hot. Literally, and all the freaking time. My husband, who likes our room air-conditioned to a sub-zero, Arctic temperature year-round, feels vindicated. He wipes the smug look off his face as soon as he sees my murderous expression. Smart man.
7. My ginormous belly gets in the way of everything—including opening and closing doors and spitting toothpaste into the sink.
6. A 3-year-old’s enthusiasm isn’t easy to manage. My son likes to take a running jump at me and into my arms, which is adorable and occasionally terrifying…but when I’m this pregnant, there is very little room for error.
5. A baby trying to get her elbow through my bellybutton. Aside from the fact that I’ve always hated my bellybutton being touched (ew, just ew), this is just painful and totally creepy-looking.
4. Waddling. The struggle is real. I am a person, not a penguin!
3. Not being able to lay on my back. I’m a side sleeper, but I really miss laying on my back to read. It’s not even that it’s bad for baby if I do if for too long—I literally can’t breathe if I do it for even a few seconds.
2. Exhaustion. When 3 o’clock hits, it is nearly impossible for me to keep my eyes open. Which is really convenient smack in the middle of the day.
1. My husband’s eyes popping out of his head, cartoon-style, when he sees my naked belly. This is not quite as flattering as when he used to gawk at my boobs in the earlier days of pregnancy. I can’t believe that I am about to say this, but I am really looking forward to being objectified again…but only by my husband.