I get it. Once upon a time, I was you. You see a kid under 5 about to sit near you on an airplane and you panic. You don’t know if the kid’s going to scream non-stop and kick your seat for the next four hours and if his parents are a-holes who won’t do anything about it.
I promise you: I am not one of those a-hole moms. And I also promise you: My 3-year-old knows better. Whether or not he will do better is anyone’s guess, but here’s to hoping!
But now that I’m on the other side of the equation, the whole thing is kind of fascinating—it’s like watching some sort of psychological study. Here’s what you all look like you’d prefer to do instead of spending the next few hours in close quarters with my kid.
1. Sit through 50 Shades of Grey with your parents
2. Be trapped in a windowless room with Kanye West while he waxes poetic about himself, Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian
3. Step in dog poop…with bare feet
4. Have “Friday,” “Call Me Maybe” and “All About That Bass” stuck in your head on constant rotation
5. Fight off a few hundred walkers
But it wasn’t so bad, right? In fact, he was (thank God, miraculously, wonderfully, luckily) the model passenger on that flight. Maybe you should go out and buy a Lotto ticket because obviously you’re on a winning streak. Now wish us luck on the trip home!