Some experiences are truly universal. If you’re a mom, this is your life.
11. You are king, queen and servant all rolled into one. You are loved. You are worshipped. You are Mommy. Now wipe that tushy, sing three Laurie Berkner songs in rapid succession and make some grilled cheese—and don’t forget to cut off the crusts. NOW!
10. There aren’t enough hours in the day. The quicker you get through the five stages of grief as you come to terms with your increasingly shorter days, the quicker you can pour yourself a glass of wine and move on. Cheers to acceptance!
9. Just when you get a handle on something, it changes. That goes for sleeping, eating, potty training, getting yourselves out the door with minimal screaming, you name it. Enjoy the 48 to 72 hours of bliss while they last.
8. Your living room is the Bermuda Triangle for toys. And it will always devour one essential piece of a favorite puzzle, train set or dollhouse. I’m pretty sure it demands a blood sacrifice at least once a day.
7. You won’t ever sleep well again. Think your sleepless nights are numbered since breastfeeding, teething and toddler ailments only last for a few years? Think again. You’ll miss these “carefree” days once you enter the driving, dating, drinking and degree-paying years.
6. Half the time, you have no clue what you’re doing. And you’re really just hoping that no one calls you out on it—especially your mother, your babysitter and your kid.
5. You have been peed on, pooped on and puked on at some point. Sometimes all three happen in the same 24-hour period—occasionally in the same 24-second period. Ah, those are the days.
4. You have mystery bruises all over your body. My best guesses: Awkwardly picking up a stroller, throwing yourself in danger’s path to protect your offspring and accidentally rolling over onto on a rogue Lego piece that’s hiding in your bed.
3. Your emergency fund consists of wine, chocolate and/or Cheetos. Did you think I was going to say money? Ha! You have kids, remember?
2. You somehow ended up with the most amazing, most talented, best-looking kid on the planet. Amazing how that’s happened for each and every one of us, isn’t it?
1. You will never love another human being so unconditionally, so completely and so obsessively. The most wonderful truth of all.